Guy: “You’re super beautiful but…”
Translation: “You’re hideous & I would never EVER be within ten feet of you but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”
Don’t even like the dude, just always reminded of my place as a completely undesirable leper. Word.
I literally can’t think about anything other than how horrible of a human being I am. I wish I didn’t have class tomorrow so I didn’t have to see the people that I’m supposed to be friends with because we’re not really friends. It’s not their fault; it’s mine. I don’t treat them like friends– fuck it, I don’t treat them like any decent human being would treat anyone. I’m so fucking hurtful with everything I say & fuck I don’t mean to be but someone I ruin everything.
Okay– no more posts tonight. I’m sorry.
I’m not sure how much more horrible I could be if I tried. I’m the worst friend anyone could ever have. I care about my friends very deeply but then I treat them like shit. What the fuck is wrong with me?! I think maybe I should just take a break from talking to anyone, talking to anyone about anything. Then maybe I could be a decent human being for once in my fucking life & not be a giant fucking bitch. Maybe I would actually appreciate the great friends I have & not be a total fucking tool. Like what in the fuck is my problem? I think I’m all dependable & loyal but I’m really not. I can’t be counted on when it matters & I can’t really help people out when they need it. When my friends are upset or something I can’t even be there for them. I can’t be open & honest because the idea of doing that makes me want to vomit. The idea of getting close to people is really hard for me, even friends, & the idea of letting people in is terrifying. Fuck I am such a dick. I can’t be someone’s friend if I can’t even trust them. What the fuck do I even think I’m doing? That’s literally the most selfish thing in the world: to expect people to be there for me but not be there for them or to not support them when they need it but expect them to support me when I need it. I’m such a fucking bitch. I treat my friends like dirt. I shouldn’t even have fucking friends. I shouldn’t do anything with my life because I always end up doing the wrong thing & hurting people by not thinking my actions through & that’s really fucked up.
Then I’m super fucking dumb because I write a god damn stream of consciousness about how horrible I am which is basically just a fucking pity party for me, which is also selfish & makes me even more of a bitch. Word. I literally suck at everything.
Fuck okay so here’s the thing: I’m a giant bitch. It was really insensitive of me to talk about what happened. I’m sorry; I didn’t think about it. Someone saying they want to marry me is a big deal in my world & it’s not funny or something I’m interested in. I’m damaged goods & no one should even want to be with me (in any capacity) so when someone says that kind of shit, when I have slept with them then it’s not okay & I’m gonna freak out. I’m gonna freak out when this kind of shit happens because I know I’m going to be alone forever & that’s okay because that’s what I deserve. I get that. I’m sorry I told you; I thought it would make you laugh but I didn’t think it through. I didn’t mean to be so horrible. I know what you’re going through & I had no right to bring up suit like that in such a trivial way. Fuck. I’m such a bitch. I’m sorry for being so insensitive. I didn’t mean anything by it & I know you’ll say everything is fine because you’re nice but I know you’re mad or that your feelings were gurt because of how you reacted & what you said when I left. I’m really really sorry but you’ll never see this so I’m an even bigger bitch.
I shouldn’t be allowed out in public because even the people who know me I am a bitch to. Also sorry to my other friend who tried I check on me & I blew her off & was a giant fucking bitch too. & my other friend whose party I left. I am a bitch as well as the worst friend ever.
New semester: New shitstorm.
That was pretty hurtful. I know you’re hurting but saying what you said the way you said it meant that you think what I do makes me a piece if shit.
I fucking hate it here. I want to leave. I want to get the fuck out of here. When will it be time for me to move? Fuck this fucking town. I fucking hate it. …….I’m so mad.
I really really fucking just hate it…
I’m not an overly emotional person. I’m not really a reactionary in the I don’t show my emotions very often. I tend to get flack for this from people, friends particularly, always say I should “express myself” or just “let it out” because I shouldn’t keep things all “pent-up inside” & similar such advice. But here’s the thing, I don’t always do that. Sometimes I do express my emotions. Sometimes I do try & talk about why I feel the way I feel, or even just what I’m feeling. & just because what I’m feeling or the emotions I’m discussing aren’t sadness or just because I’m not crying doesn’t mean I’m not explaining or talking about my emotions. Sad isn’t the only fucking emotion. There are a lot of other emotions & the ones I choose to express or not express are my choice. But here’s the thing, if I choose to express an emotion, whatever emotion it may be, to you & you respond with trying to correct that without hearing me out or the whole story then don’t expect me to open up to you again.